Thursday 2 December 2010
Coming up to Christmas it’s not uncommon for us to reflect on what “family” is all about. It often happens that at Christmas we start to have plenty of time on our hands (once we get our minds to wind down from school and work) to sit back and really enjoy the great things that family offers.
I guess the “sense of belonging” more than anything is what it’s all about. Being part of something that is so unique, so “just like me”, yet so different on occasions. It’s the family fabric that we come so so much love, the things that make it what it is, that make it so different from everyone else’s family.
But of course families are not without their arguments and fights, or at least real disagreements, from time to time. But what’s incredible is that we can have some real “humdinger” of arguments, something that we think we may never recover from, and within a short period of time we are back to where we were, remembering what we love some much, so deeply about the other person, that the harsh words spoken fade into oblivion as we carry on with life.
Yet, have the same argument or disagreement with a colleague at work or even a friend and life may never be the same again. The age old saying “blood is thicker than water” is so true. This saying really stands the test of time when an outsider, someone from outside your family unit, is critical of, hurts, or attacks (in one way or another) one of your family members. All our family disagreements are forgotten like they never existed, family members unite and stick together like never before. Blood sure is thicker than water!
But coming into Christmas we must never forget – and I know you wouldn’t – those families who have been dealt more than their fair share of hard times. Our martial arts family is not insulated from such hardships, and I know there are a number of families doing it touch out there. My thoughts are always with you, hoping my energy can reach out and give you strength in your tough times. Recently I have spoken to families who have lost loved ones, or who are going through the deeply felt heartache of nursing a sick parent who, in many cases, know the recovery prospect is often ever so remote. My thoughts and energy are with you and hope you can find the strength to be brave and cope withe the heartache.
There are other families who sadly suffer from various levels of disfunction, where the description of family I made in this article just does not fit your family experience. Don’t think you are not normal. You are very normal, and I can share this with you first hand. Many of us have had the “dysfunctional family” experience.
I mention this as families do struggle from time to time and sometimes don’t really recover from hardships or sadness. I must preface the following description of my experience by saying that I am not suggesting that my experience was any worse than anyone else’s, or better, just dysfunctional.
I come from a family where my mum and dad separated when I was 12 – dad sadly saw greener fields, and mum was devastated. I later learned she suffered for years prior to the separation in knowledge of what was going on.
As teenagers my brother Patrick and I lived with mum as she moved on to the next chapter in her life by marrying a guy who was not the best man. In fact, he turned out to be a pretty nasty guy who abused me as a teenager. The result of all of this was that I was kicked out of home when I was 17 to live on my own. Shortly after my brother and I got to live together and our family was together again, but sadly he had suffered terribly, more than I probably know, form this treacherous man.
In the middle of this my mum was torn between trusting her instincts and leaving him and getting on with her life with him. But also this guy fed her stories which had real potential to drive her away from us. Yes, he was a pretty crazy guy, beside himself with the jealousy of the love my mum had for my brother and I. But he made some real in-roads on breaking our family, and for a while as my brother said one day, ” I am not sure if we’ll ever be friends with mum again”.
I got myself through teacher’s college through the support of great friends and love from my brother. He was great and did wonderful things for me over the years I will never forget. He was my family then. And is now.
Mum moved on to greener pastures and it took some real strength on her part to get away. He was a very violent man, cunning in every regard, so it took real strength for her to get away. A real credit to mum and her mental toughness.
During those passing years Patrick and I tried to make contact with our dad. After a few years, I guess I was around 18, I went to his house for dinner for the first time in years. Sadly the reunion ended up with dad and his partner kicking me out of his house before the dinner meeting was done. He just told me to leave. I will never forget his words, “well old son, I think you better go”. I didn’t want to leave. I had given mum some money that he had given me was what it was all about. Clearly the money was more important than having a great relationship with his son, and so we were not to see each other again for some 10 years.
Fiona brought 2 great guys into this world – Dan and Ryan – and so this gave me another reason to try to foster a more positive relationship with my dad. I have been ever so hopeful they can get to know their grand dad, to build a relationship with him, but possibly I have expected too much. I think deep down I would just love to see a bond between my sons and dad that I never had with him. Realistically, and given history is our great teacher, I guess that is a big ask.
My relationship with my dad today is somewhat spasmodic to say the best, and impersonal and distant to say the least. I think I get what drives him, but I cannot understand how he does not seem to have any real love for his sons Damien and Patrick. Well at least he does not show it. A day doesn’t go by for me when I think about how great my boys are and how special they have made my life. I want to share in everything they do and be part of their life’s action. They are just great. But dad missed out on that and now he gets a second shot at it with his wonderful grandsons – but no real interest in this chapter of the book either.
Mum has come through her tough times pretty well. She lives with us on our property, has her own self contained place, and is going great. Many of you probably know my mum, her name is Phillippa, but is known as “Philly”. Sadly mum lost her third husband Pete last year but is a tough lady and really enjoying life just now I think after healing form losing a good friend and partner.
My point of all this? Well, first to say I have never written about this before and have always thought that it’s family that should know about this, so that’s why I share it with you.
Secondly, try to be strong, resilient and process focussed in times when family seem so hard to understand. Try to be compassionate where possible, and above all don’t give up on the thought that things can get better if they seem to be at a rock bottom low.
As for Christmas, well I hope my insights and experiences about family can give you some food for thought as you go on vacation to do all you can to foster love and happiness with family members. I know as you do that some family members can drive you absolutely nuts, but just for a second, stop and think and go beyond that to ask yourself what family really means to you.
Love
Mr O
